The NewsScrew

Things Slip Out

2005-04-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

When you're among old, trusted friends and you're having some cocktails and just talking, well, sometimes things slip out. Like that time—jes a sec, gotta top this off, oop! damn…right in my lap…here kitty kitty…that's right, just like you like it—alright, where was I? Oh yeah, Tom DeLay. Listen tomorrow for "The took me out of context!" howls, and next week for, "What's the big deal? Why are liberals so sensitive about privacy?" until it all becomes white noise and we all want to kill ourselves again. But what the hell am I talking about? This:

"I blame Congress over the last 50 to 100 years for not standing up and taking its responsibility given to it by the Constitution. The reason the judiciary has been able to impose a separation of church and state that's nowhere in the Constitution is that Congress didn't stop them. The reason we had judicial review is because Congress didn't stop them. The reason we had a right to privacy is because Congress didn't stop them."

That's that old jazzcat Tom jes' riffin' with some pals from the Washington Times.

"The reason we had a right to privacy is because Congress didn't stop them."

beep-ba-doo-pow

"The reason we had a right to privacy is because Congress didn't stop them."

beep-be-di-dop

"The reason we had a right to privacy is because Congress didn't stop them."

crash bang boom

Got this story from NYDem over at dailykos

Jesus!

2005-04-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

This photo, originally uploaded by Newscrewer.

Go to dnext for Bush and Jesus!

JesusJesusJesusJesus!

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

2005-04-08T17:36:00.000-07:00

From Kos:

"WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush's choice to head the Environmental Protection Agency on Friday canceled a controversial program to test the effects of bug spray and other pesticides on infants after two Senate Democrats threatened to block his confirmation."

You see what's happening? Do you see? The prez had a perfectly good plan to go along with his brilliant plan to annihilate Social Security — killing off those damn kids who are the source of all our Social Security problems in the first place! What is wrong with these people?! Don't they see that "What about the children?" has two, if not more (paging Cardinal Law) meanings?

NewScrewer Says: I got nothin. Nothin!

A Song

2005-04-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

Not today, not today
Someday them folks are gonna pay
Not today, not today
Them folk's, they don't know Tom DeLay

People say you can't do this
Or that, they speak of ethicists
Them folks don't know the Hammer's fist
Them folks, they don't know Tom DeLay

Not today, not today
Someday them folks are gonna pay
Not today, not today
Them folk's, they don't know Tom DeLay

The media, the devil's crew
Someday they will get their due
Like Jesus he'll be born anew
Them folks, they don't know Tom Delay

Not today, not today
Them folks don't know Old Tom DeLay
Not today, not today
Someday those folks are gonna pay

The hand of God, the hand of Man
Are welded in the Hammer's hand
By the holy hundred thousand grand
Them folks, they don't know Tom DeLay

Not today, not today
Them folk's, they don't know Tom DeLay
Not today, not today
Someday them folks are gonna pay

Judges on the bench, beware
Old Tom smells the scent of fear
Old Tom's wolves are everywhere
Them folks, they don't know Tom deLay

Not today, not today
Them folks don't know Old Tom DeLay
Not today, not today
Some day those folks are gonna pay

Bubble, bubble, lobbyists
Boil and trouble, mistresses
Hot tub champagne steam and hiss
Them folks, they don't know Tom DeLay

Not today, not today
Them folk's, they don't know Tom DeLay
Not today, not today
Someday them folks are gonna pay

What?

2005-02-26T12:24:00.000-08:00

Long hiatus. Just woke up...groggy...sick...vomiting...the world has gone to shit...new years...what the hell?...oh shit....i'll be back

Washington Times: Stingy With The Truth

2004-12-28T15:34:00.001-08:00

The Washington Times carried a story today with the headline:

U.N. official slams U.S. as 'stingy' over aid

I found the link, with that headline, on Drudge. The story was by Bill Sammon, and in the third paragraph we find where the U.N. official "slams" the U.S. (Bolds are mine.):

"But U.N. Undersecretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs Jan Egeland suggested that the United States and other Western nations were being "stingy" with relief funds, saying there would be more available if taxes were raised.

"It is beyond me why are we so stingy, really," the Norwegian-born U.N. official told reporters. "Christmastime should remind many Western countries at least, [of] how rich we have become."

NewScrewer Says: Bill Sammon, Matt Drudge...YOU are the true news screwers. I bow before thee.

Soldiers Called "Idiots"

2004-12-22T18:08:00.002-08:00

Cartoonist says soldiers don't deserve support
December 22, 2004, 7:23 PST PM

COLORADO SPRINGS, Co: In the December 15 edition of the Colorado Springs Gazette, conservative political cartoonist Chuck Asay says that American soldiers are not a very smart bunch.

"I know they're over there and everything," said Asay, sitting at his desk with his pen in his hand, "but that again just shows you how stupid they are."

He cited as an example a Tennessee National guardsman, calling him "as dumb as a bitch dog." Specialist Thomas Wilson now famously questioned Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld in early December about the lack of armor on military Humvees. The secretary has been the target of heavy criticism in the press, and even from some Republican members of Congress, since the questions.

"Complete dunce, if you ask me," said Asay. "That soldier's obviously not smart enough to form his own opinion, or to formulate a question even, so this reporter used his stupid little brain to get him ask a stupid question."

When asked why the soldiers around Specialist Wilson applauded the 'stupid' question, Asay replied, "Well, what do you expect? They're stupid."

More than half of the more than 1,300 US soldiers who have died in Iraq have been killed by roadside bombs or in attacks from rocket-propelled grenades. Many of those deaths, and the serious injuries to thousands more, have been blamed on the lack of armor the soldier referred to.

"I know they say, even I say, 'Support the Troops,'" said the cartoonist, "but I don't know, maybe we should change it to 'Support George Bush.' The troops are just tools for him to use. It's not about them. They should just shut up."

He added, "You wouldn't find me in one of those Humvees. Just shows you how stupid they are."

NewScrewer Says: Here's the patriotic little cartoon I derived these comments from. And here's a Daily Kos Diary that has a little to say about it.

In Kerik, Bush Saw Crucial Values

2004-12-19T10:01:00.000-08:00

Sunday, Dec. 19, 2004 10:03 PST AM

WASHINGTON: President Bush first met Bernard B. Kerik during a traffic stop in New York in the 1980s. The details of that stop are unknown, but the future president found himself not only a friend, but a man who, like him, knew how to get things done.

"We were able to solve our, our traffic dispute like gentlemen," the president said. "Afterwards he introduced me to some other gentlemen who helped Laura and I out with some remodeling projects. And I was able to introduce him to some powerful people through my dad. Bernie was always good like that, good in a good American way. He has good American qualities."

Bush said that it was those qualities that prompted him to pick Kerik to be Director of Homeland Security.

"That's why I chose him. Because he has powerful connections with powerful people. You need that in a powerful job, that's what the word "powerful" is meant by. He has a good marriage and he loves his wife. He has a good mistress and he loves his mistress. He had another mistress and he doesn't love that one anymore because she was not a good American. He's been in trouble with the law before so he knows the law from both sides. I know the law like that. He's made millions from law enforcement projects while he was in a powerful position to make those millions. Which is a lot like Dick Cheney and myself, which know how to get things done in a time of power, a time of war. And I'm a war president. Don't forget that."

When asked if he was disappointed that Kerik withdrew his name from the Homeland Security chief nomination pool, Bush responded, "Nah. Karl knows a thousand guys like him."

The NewScrewer Says: For an even screwier version of the story, go to the NY Times. (You must be registered at the Times. If you're not, google the story, they get you through the registration screen somehow.)

McCain: 'No confidence' in McCain

2004-12-18T18:36:00.000-08:00

Saturday, December 18, 2004 6:22 PST PM

PHOENIX, Arizona: U.S. Sen. John McCain said Monday that he has "no confidence" in himself, citing his inability to say anything that made sense since the start of the war in Iraq.

McCain, speaking to The NewScrew in a surprisingly honest interview, said his remarks were not a call for his own resignation, explaining that President Bush "needs unconfident people like myself around him."

Asked if he had confidence in his own leadership, McCain said he'd been asked similar questions since the war began.

"I said no. My answer is still no. No confidence," McCain said.

"I have strenuously argued for some things while saying other things that completely contradict those things," said McCain, R-Arizona. "There are very strong differences of opinion between myself and myself on those issues."

One of the contradicting examples he cited: "I believe we'll be in Iraq militarily for many years, which would not be a problem to the American people. I think what is not acceptable to the American people is an increasing flow of dead and wounded."

When asked if his contradicting statements and lack of confidence meant he would be running for president one day, he said, "In a couple of years I might give it some consideration."

NewScrewer Says: For an even screwier version of the story, go to: CNN's version of the story here.

FDA Approves War

2004-12-18T09:35:00.000-08:00

USE EXPECTED TO RISE
Sat Dec 18, 2004 2:24PM ET

WASHINGTON, D.C.: The FDA announced its approval of the controversial drug War today, reporting that studies have proven it safe and beneficial to its users. The

The agency ruling went against the findings of many of the drug's detractors, who claim that War has directly caused millions of unnecessary deaths around the world and has countless harmful side effects. The alleged side-effects include widespread poverty, rampant disease, serious damage to the environment, and the rapid accumulation of wealth and power by immoral, soulless, and just all-around disgusting people. They say that War should be banned from further use.

The White House, on the other hand, applauded the decision. "There is no documented proof that War causes any unnecessary deaths," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "War's benefits to successful American society, to American industry, to the economy, and to our nation's government in general have been long established."

President Bush agreed: "I'm a War president," he said.

Teach Your Children Hell

2004-12-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

You've heard, I'm sure, oh readers, of the ongoing flap concerning evolution and creationism.

And you've heard about, I'm sure, the warning stickers proposed in many schools, already used in some, for science textbooks. The one used in suburban Atlanta schools this year:

"This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered."

Well, this led me straight to my study, where I got out my crayons and and construction paper and glue stick, and I made me my own bonafide warning sticker, which henceforth shall be applied to all copies of the U.S. Constitution which might be read by a young and impressionable student:

Warning!: This constitution contains material on the separation of church and state. The separation of church and state is a theory, not a fact, regarding the functioning of good and fair government. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered.

NewScrewer Says: Ah-(screw it)-men!

Image of Osama bin Laden found on piece of French toast

2004-12-16T11:02:00.000-08:00

Taxi driver says toast is a terror

BRONX, N.Y.: Rivaling only Jesus, Mary, and Donald Trump in his ability to cause a media craze by doing absolutely nothing, Osama bin Laden is yet again in the news...though in a much tastier way this time.

Bronx taxi driver Mo Sm'ith, 42, says he was eating breakfast at Mo's diner (no relation) two weeks ago when he noticed the image of Osama bin Laden, the leader of the Islamist terrorist group Al Qa'ida, on one of his pieces of French toast. "I couldn't believe it," he said. "It was like he was right there on my plate looking at me, right next to the eggs." He said he immediately jumped away from his table. "I thought the toast might explode or something."

FBI officials have confirmed that the image is indeed that of Osama bin Laden.

Mr. Sm'ith said that he regrets taking the partially eaten piece of fried bread, egg, milk, and a dash of cinnamon, home with him that day.

"People ask me if I have had terrible luck since he has been in my home," he said. "I do feel I have. I lost seventy-freakin-grand on different occasions at the casino near my house." Mr. Sm'ith said he hopes to recover those losses when he puts "Osama the Toast" up for sale on the internet auction site eBay.

President Bush, when asked about this most recent bin Laden sighting this morning, said, "The war on terror is the primary function of the state, and the president, I, I am thinking about, and the state is the people. And democracy in the Middle East, the war on terror, will go on despite these terrorist toasts."

He also said, on a more ominous note, "And I don't think anybody has failed to notice the significance that bin Laden's image appeared on a piece of French toast.

Kerikature

2004-12-16T08:12:00.000-08:00

Recommended Daily Kos diary right here on how Bernard Kerik's fall can be of much use to those wishing to stop Bush from appointing Jerry Falwell or one of his pals to the Supremes.

I'm a Huge Fan OF MY OWN ASS!

2004-12-16T07:35:00.000-08:00

Or: I'm a Huge Ass!

Go to Mississippi to see:

Lott: Replace defense chief

"U.S. Sen. Trent Lott doesn't believe Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld should resign immediately, but he does think Rumsfeld should be replaced sometime in the next year. 'I'm not a fan of Secretary Rumsfeld,' Lott, R-Mississippi, told the Biloxi Chamber of Commerce on Wednesday morning. 'I don't think he listens enough to his uniformed officers.'"

And then go to May, 2004, post Abu Ghraib, when Bush said the Rumster was doing a "suberb job."

Lott said, "I'm not a huge fan of Rumsfeld's," ...but he supported the SecDef's job anyway.

NewScrewer Says: A Lott too late! If the Rumster should go, you should too! (And John McCain while you're at it.)

My Next Arrest

2004-12-15T23:40:00.000-08:00

Hot off the press, the transcript from my next court case;

Judge: NewScrewer, you are charged with indecency, obscenity, treason, inciting the media, nocturnal rambling, and public drunkenness in private, which is now public. How do you plead?

NewScrewer: You're on her, I mean "your Honor," I plead not guilty by reason of Undocumented Nicaraguan Nanny.

Judge: Uh, I must recuse myself from this case at this time...

NewScrewer: More on the case...in the future. (And thanks to Bernard Kerik, et al.)

I Don't See Dead People, Dude!

2004-12-15T22:48:00.000-08:00

From CNN tonight:

"Police find marijuana stashed in coffins"

"A routine traffic stop turned into a drug bust when Oklahoma Highway Patrol troopers found 610 pounds of marijuana stashed in four coffins."

About one of the drivers of the vehicle: '"He didn't check inside the caskets for drugs -- would you?' attorney Donn Baker said."

NewScrewer Says: Okay (coff coff), I'm thinking (coff), "Geez, I'm not sure I'd believe the guy. I make it a habit of looking in trucks in coffins that I drive. That I...wait."

Anyway, isn't a bunch of dope better than a skunky old corpse?

Coff

I Got Some Drudge On Me...

2004-12-15T22:03:00.000-08:00

From the Drudged Up Report tonight:

"Chevy Chase's potty-mouthed Bush-bashing at Kennedy Center... "

"Even Hollywood liberals were left reeling after Chevy Chase's potty-mouthed Bush-bashing Tuesday night at the Kennedy Center..."

Huuuuuughawwwgh! Even them Hollywood liberals were taken aback!

NewScrewer asks: Is Drudge trying to be like them Hollywood libs? Does he want to be "LEFT reeling?" Is this code? Are you talking to us Matty?

Miss-Ill Defense: Screwed!

2004-12-15T21:33:00.000-08:00

In the New York Times today:

Defense Missile for U.S. System Fails to Launch

(I'll get a damn cool link, quit yer bitchin, for now: http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/16/politics/16missile.html).

"An important test of the United States' fledgling missile defense system ended in failure early Wednesday ..."

NewScrewer Says: The Pentagon released a report saying: "Woo Hoo! Now they'll give us more billions to screw it up again! Screw everybody!" ($25 billion and counting...)

First Report

2004-12-15T21:29:00.000-08:00

Ah screw it.